Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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