I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
