The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
