Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
