its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
