After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
