last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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