his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
