I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I need moral support for this bender
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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