At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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