You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
