I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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