the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
