I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
