i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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