1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
