I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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