You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
