I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
