I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
