I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
