my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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