I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
