Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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