Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize