remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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