New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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