Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
