i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
