But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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