I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just google imaged poop.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
