Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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