well I can't set my house on fire every night
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
