you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Even my vagina gasped.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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