I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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