I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
