I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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