I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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