I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
