Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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