If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
