I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
