I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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