sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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