I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
