I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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