just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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