Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
