True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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