just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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