So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
