he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
