Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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