He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
