yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
