the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
