her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
