If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
