so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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