I'm jealous of your bromance
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
