I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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