I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize